Steel Panther Talk Celebrity Phone Contacts, Boners and More

 

It's important to not take glam rockers Steel Panther too seriously; after all, the band have built a career on hilarious tongue-in-cheek antics that are just as crazy off the stage as they are on. Our mate Dave Higgins sat down with Stix and Satchel in the middle of the band's Aussie tour for a conversation which went in all kinds of directions. Scroll down for the full very serious interview:

 

Higgo:
Stix, it’s nice to see you again. How ya been?

Stix: 
Dude it’s nice to be inside your vision. Really good, I’m hungover, coz you know when we come to Melbourne, we like to party, and you like to party, and so the mixture of the parties, is pretty severe, and I’m just gunna have to get back on horse and do it all again tonight.

Higgo:
Two sets this time around, what was the thinking behind that? 
(We’re interrupted by someone calling out “Is that Higgo out there?”)

(Satchel appears)

Satchel:
What’s up dude?! Oh shit, I didn’t know you guys were doing something special. How ya been dude?

Higgo:
I’m great! (I introduce him to my friend Renee who’s sitting in on the interview)

Satchel:
If you wanna know the real stuff, you just ask me!

Higgo:
Well I was just asking about the story behind two sets on this tour.

Satchel:
‘Two sex’? We can do three sex, four sex, whatever it takes, ya know.

Stix:
SETS, dude.

Satchel:
Oh. Well I cut my teeth doing a bunch of stuff when I was on the streets, the hardcore streets. (Looking at Stix) You don’t know a lot about that, but I used to sell drugs. I used to pimp out chicks and shit like that, then I got into music. But before that I was into all kinds of shit, you know federal penitentiary (Stix nods), that’s where they put really bad people. And my tattoos, you’ve seen 'em, my prison tattoos? It’s hardcore shit. But anyway yeah, two sets, you guys were talking about that. We don’t wanna go into that other stuff too much, it’ll fucking scare people.

Higgo:
Last night at the first show in Melbourne you got Joel (O’Keefe) from Airbourne up on stage to belt out an AC/DC song.

Satchel:
Yeah, he was amazing. God he’s so much better than our singer, it’s crazy.

Higgo:
Lucky he’s out of earshot or else he’d be a bit pissed...

Stix:
Who, Michael? Even if he was right here he couldn’t hear us, he’s deaf.

Satchel:
Yeah he’s pretty deaf, which is good - makes it better for us.

Stix:
Mostly tone deaf.

(Lexxi walks in)

Higgo:
Oh look here’s Lexxi, how are you?

Lexxi:
Hey man, good to see you! I’m good.

Stix:
You’re getting the whole fuckin' band man!

(I introduce Lexxi to my friend, Renee)

Satchel:
Don’t make a fuckin' pass at her man.

Lexxi:
W..what.. I know..

Stix:
Oh it was SO obvious dude..

Satchel:
Yeah man, so obvious.

Stix:
SOOO Obvious. Ok dude, just so you know, Renee has two jobs, guess what they are.

Stix:
I will give you five thousand dollars before this trip is over if you can guess what they are.

Satchel:
Can I have as many guesses as I want?

Stix:
One guess.

Satchel: 
Wait, how can he guess two jobs with one guess?

Stix:
One time to guess two jobs.

Renee:
Bit of a hint... (touches her hair)

Lexxi:
You’re a hair stylist!

Stix:
You cheated...and?

Satchel:
You owe him five thousand dollars. I would say - and this is a compliment - I would say a hooker.

Renee:
(laughs) Thank you.

Satchel:
Or a porn star..

Lexxi:
Call girl, like an expensive call girl.

Stix:
You were so close. A cow girl! She works at a cattle farm.

Satchel:
Really?

Stix:
Call girl and cow girl are super close.

Lexxi:
So close I should get the money.

Stix:
I know, but now you owe me $5000.

(I try to get back on track)

Higgo:
So who decides on what songs are going to be in the cover set?

Stix:
I DO!

Satchel:
Well I did, and I let him know, and then tells everyone that he decided.

Higgo:
So it’s a team effort.

Satchel:
Yeah, well we had to call Bon Jovi because Bon Jovi has a say; you can’t do a Bon Jovi song without asking Bon Jovi. I mean, it’s Bon Jovi.

Stix:
You gotta ask JBJ.

Satchel:
That’s what he goes by.

Higgo:
Would he be the most famous person you have in your phone?

Satchel:
My phone?

Higgo:
Yeah.


Stix:
Who’s the most famous person you have in your phone, Lexxi Foxxx?

Satchel:
I have John F Kennedy.

Stix:
He had a cell phone? That’s crazy that he had a cell phone.

Satchel:
I don’t use it anymore.

Higgo:
That’s unfortunate.

Satchel:
Well it’s more unfortunate for him. (Mine is) Ghandhi.

Higgo:
Ghandi?!

Satchel:
Yep.

Higgo:
I didn’t think he was really hooked up on technology.

Stix:
Yeah, he’s on T-Mobile.

Satchel:
Well once again, it doesn’t really matter 'cos I’m not gonna be calling him anytime soon, but he’s in there.

Higgo:
Any people who are alive?

Stix:
Now you’re getting all technical, but ahh, living people in my phone... Gene Simmons.

Satchel:
You guys are the only ones I can be sure of that are alive, because I mean who knows, there could be a nuclear war going on right now.

Higgo:
Well I’ve got Stix’s number in my phone, so by one degree of separation I have Gene Simmons' phone number.

Stix:
Yes you do.

Satchel:
Wow that’s pretty cool!

Stix:
I have Gene Simmons' number in my phone, and I have Joel from Airbourne's number in my phone, and so do you…

Satchel:
That’s pretty badass. But do you have Ghandi’s number?

Stix:
Umm...no.

Satchel:
See, so what’s cooler, Joel from Airbourne or Ghandi?

Stix:
Well, Joel...

Satchel:
I don’t even know what Ghandi did. What the fuck did Ghandi do?

Higgo:
He didn’t eat for a while.

Satchel:
And that’s really bad for you, so he’s trying to be a good influence on little kids out there. Little kids should eat 'cos they’re growing, you know how it is.

Higgo:
Yeah but we’ve spoken before, and sometimes you don’t eat for a while before you go on tour to look good.

Stix:
The cocaine… the cocaine. You lose your appetite a lot when you use cocaine.

Satchel:
Ok also, I know what you’re trying to say and yes, we use boner pills. But that’s not because we can’t get boners - me and Stix can get boners - but the others guys, not so much. We do it for fun, it’s fun to wake up with a boner.

Stix:
It is!

Satchel:
And it’s fun to go to sleep with a boner too. It’s fun to have a boner when you’re just walkin' around.

Stix:
You know how you have car insurance? (Satchel shakes his head) Well, you don’t have a car... but boner pills are just boner insurance, like, it’s there if you need it. 

Satchel:
What sucks though, because you know, when you happen to go visit your hot friend at a farm and a cow rubs up against you, it looks really weird if you’re wearing sweats or spandex, and you got a boner next to a cow. What are you gonna do with it then?

Stix: I dunno.

Satchel:
Fuck a cow, exactly. What do you mean you don’t know, you’re STIX ZIDINIA, your name is 'Sticks-it-in-ya'!

Stix:
I was trying to be low key...

Satchel:
I almost believed you for a second that you didn’t know what to do with your boner.

Stix:
Have I ever NOT known what to do with my boner?

Satchel:
Man, you know EXACTLY what to do with your boner if it’s a human or a cow.

(they bump fists)

Stix:
Is that even legal here?

Satchel:
You think you could make a cow orgasm?

Stix:
Oh yeah

Satchel:
fuck yeah

(another fist bump)

Stix:
Done it before, bro!

(Satchel pisses himself laughing)

Stix:
Hell yeah I could get a cow off, for sure!

Higgo:
Oddly enough this conversation leads me to lyrics and where they come from, because you write all the lyrics don’t you Satchel.

Satchel:
Yeah I observe a lot of shit. Like if we’re having a gang bang or something, I’ll watch Stix have sex with a cow for instance.

Higgo:
Well yeah, I figured that they must be from experience, because the second verse in ‘Anything Goes’ is an interesting one.

Satchel:
Is that the “tattoo a unicorn on your shaven balls” one?

Higgo:
No no, that’s the third verse. Verse two is “paint your fuckin' cock like a barber pole”.

Stix:
Hold on… for a moment, I just need to say this: the fact that you know verses without notes, says so much about you as a fuckin' interviewer. It's badass.

Higgo:
Thanks man!

Satchel:
And my cock is painted like a barber pole.

Stix:
It is, but just a little tiny one. There’s not a lot of paint.

Satchel:
What was I supposed to do, paint it like a big one? There’s only so much canvas down there

Stix:
Work with what you got. But it looks really good!

Satchel:
Thank you.

Higgo:
Moving right along - when it comes to writing, do you do that, then record, then tour, then get home and say 'I need time alone' and then start writing again?

Stix:
No, dude we’re always on tour, and we’re lucky (because) we’re super friends.

Satchel:
The thing is, I don’t know what other bands do, but we’re always on tour so you can’t really separate the writing from the touring. It’s just something that always happens - I tend to write when I’m either having sex, or watching Stix have sex, or in the shower when I’m washing my butthole, I don’t know why that is.

Stix:
See he actually writes without a guitar a lot, just in his head.

Satchel:
Yeah like (makes a jet engine noise) straight into my head, and then when I get to a guitar I’ll try to work it out, and if it doesn’t work out I don’t show anybody.

Stix:
So they always work out!

Higgo: Yeah, you know not to take those shit ideas.

Satchel:
But you know what, if it sounds good in my head, I can usually get it to sound good on guitar. Like, there’s a bazillion riffs out there so you just keep riffin' until you get something. Occasionally we’ll be at soundcheck, and we’ll just riff together and it’ll be a bitching riff, and I’ll think ‘god what am I gonna do with that?’ and then it’ll somehow just fit right into a cool song. And that’s always fun when that happens.

Higgo:
So if you’re writing in your head, do you just use a notebook or record it into your phone?

Satchel:
Yeah or sometimes I’ll just write it on, ya know if there’s a girl bent over right in front of me, I’ll just use a sharpie and write the lyrics on the small of her back.

Stix:
He can actually ejaculate cursive, it's amazing to see.

Satchel:
Sometimes I can just...one shot and there’s a whole word.

Higgo: What’s the weirdest word that’s ever formed from that?

Stix:
‘Eloquent’.

Higgo:
Eloquent?!

Satchel:
That was a weird one, and I wasn’t even thinking of using it in a song but it came out.

(they fist bump)

Satchel:
Even out of my little barber pole dick!

Stix:
(laughing) ‘My Little Barber Pole Dick', that’s fuckin' awesome!

Higgo:
There’s another song title!

Stix:
(still laughing) MY LITTLE BARBER POLE DICK! Look at that lil’ barber pole dick.

Satchel:
Awww look at that little barber pole dick.

Stix:
Dude, that’s it, that is it.

Satchel:
Well, it’s not like a girl is not gonna know you have a little barber pole dick, you just gotta own it. She’s like ‘that dicks really small but it looks like a barber pole, that’s cool’.

Stix:
Yeah, ‘That’s the most interesting little dick I’ve ever seen’. Higgo, if you had a tiny cock, what would you paint it as?

Higgo:
I appreciate that you said ‘if’. 
Jeez that’s a tough... oh, a giraffes neck.

Stix:
That evokes length, and I like that.

Higgo:
And on that, we should probably wrap it up!

Stix:
That was amazing, that went places when I didn’t know what was gonna happen!

 

Listen to Steel Panther now.

 

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